Update of recent happenings

So i have been meaning to write a blog for awhile now lately but just keep getting occupied by other things. I guess the main problem is that im not really use to writing on these types of things so i just kinda forget. Well anyway last weekend a friend of mine and lydia's came to visit and me and him started talking about religion considering he is agnostic and then lydia, rebecca, and beckah ended up joining in the conversation which lasted until 3 in the morning. After that i went to lydia's room and we talked until 6 or 7 in the morning in general about things pertaining to religion. I told her that the whole conversation with Eric really humbled me and made me realize that i need to start reading the bible more and just the overall history of christianity. The reason for this is being that there were times within the conversation that i should have known the answers to what he was asking but i didn't. When i mentioned this everyone pretty much agreed with me that they also needed to do the same. So i think that situation was God's way of telling me that i need to start reading the bible more often and just spending time with Him more in general.

I went to vespers this past thursday and it was pretty much amazing. John Heater was the speaker and he talked about a lot of the things that i had been thinking about lately. One of the things he talked about was loving other people but never really allowing people to love him back. I tend to have a problem with this and i believe it is part of me being hurt in the past by friends and what not and i fear that it will happen so it takes awhile to fully let someone love me back and trust them. Also another thing is that he mentioned searching for love as in relationship wise and not realizing the importance of searching for God's love and making him the center of your life instead of trying to find someone else to fill that role. It seems that i have been so consumed with trying to find a boyfriend in order to feel loved and wanted that i have lost my focus on God and relying on God to give me that instead of some guy. Overall there was just so many things that he was talking about that i needed to hear and to just deal with. Well i figured i would be able to make it through vespers without crying but i was proved wrong and i just lost it. It started crying and my friends surrounded me just comforting me and loving me. One of my friends started praying for me and i must say that was a pretty powerful prayer. then she started saying words of encouragement about things that i was dealing with and thinking about that she had no clue about because i hadn't said anything to her about it. Then afterward she told me that those words weren't hers' but God's and i lost it and started crying again. That moment was so powerful and overall amazing. The next day i woke up and was extremely happy and i enjoyed being like that because i hadn't been in that good of a mood for a very long while. True i have been in good moods but nothing compared to the mood i was then. But that was short lived. For some reason i have been really depressed lately. Lately i have been finding myself to just randomly have a shift in moods for no reason and feel really aggitated. I don't know why i am like this and it is actually starting to scare me. Like it has even got to the point to where i dont want to go to class and when i do i dont care to try to do well in what im doing cause i have no motivation. also i just want to sleep all the time and i am definitely not getting near the amount i should which doesn't help. i really dont know what is wrong with me. But please if you would just pray for me. Well i think that is it for now. God bless everyone!

Addition to the conversation posted previously

I had previously posted this blog last night but decided to take it off for the time being considering andy had posted a blog that was redirected to mine in order for people the read the conversation that was posted. So in order to not have confusion about what to read i decided to wait to post this blog.

I guess in order to understand some of the things that i am mentioning about in this blog entry you would have to read the previous blog entry.

After that whole conversation was done i remained sitting in the same spot in the union just recapping the whole situation between me and this person overall. I decided that i would comment him asking him why he felt like he had to delete me from his friend least and then after thinking about it i typed to him to just forget that i asked because i felt that it was just a bad idea to ask. Well he proceeded to tell me that he deleted me because he could and because i was sooooo smart and because i was a sophomore i thought i knew it all. I told him that i was sorry that he felt that way but that he didn't know me enough to make that assumption and he told me that he didn't want to and to leave him alone. I really didn't know how to respond. During the conversation me and andy had with him i was filled with rage and anger due to previous events that took place between me and this person which i will tell later on. Then after the second part of the conversation took part i was filled with hurt and sadness. I have been nothing but nice to the person even to the extent of "helping" him with his homework. It just seemed to me that he was only nice to me in order to get what he wanted from me and then proceeded to be a jerk to me afterward. I also found out later that all his excuses that he told me were all lies which upset me even more. To many times friends have used me and then have just treated me like a jerk. I am the type of person who will just keep forgiving and forgiving and keep giving people chances. There was an instance last year where i had a friendship with someone and they were very verbally abusive to me and i would just keep forgiving them constantly. A friend pointed out to me that i shouldn't put up with the way they were treating me because i was better than that and it wasn't doing me any good. But I think overall in situations like these is that I just value friendship of mine to much....no matter how close i am to the person....that even if they are a jerk to me i will still keep forgiving them because i dont want to lose them as a friend. This is also due to me hating when people dislike me. I was talking to a friend about this in the union and they told me that i tend to put other people ahead of me to much....even to the point to where i lose self-respect. After thinking about what he said i would have to agree with him....I do do that. Overall I'm just really upset with this whole situation because i didn't really do anything to be treated like this from that person. But then again maybe i missed something i don't know. Well I think I'm done ranting for now. I have just been thinking about that a lot today so i figured i would just write it down in a blog. Well God bless!

Conversation

Update

so it have been a week since i put anything up so i decided that i would tonight. I have been meaning to write some blogs as of lately but i have been either really or busy or just not in the mood. For the past week i had been really depressed. When problems come my way i tend to just push them aside at that point in time so i don't have to deal with them. I usually keep doing this until i get to the point of where all my problems come back at me at once which is what had happened. This just caused me to be really depressed and wanting to cry at random moments. I had great and amazing friends that were there with me through this encouraging me that things would get better. I knew they would eventually get better but it was good to have that encouragement from my friends. It meant a lot to me and i could tell the truly cared about me. Some of the problems dealt with family health, financial issues, school, friendships, wanting a relationship, and the most important my relationship with God. I started thinking about all those in general and came to the conclusion that once i work on making my relationship with God stronger everything else would be taken care of and work out the way they were suppose to. Also a friend of mine told me to just take one problem at a time and try to work on solving that and then move on to the next instead of trying to deal with everything at once and also not to worry about the things i have no control over and cant change. So slowly i have come out of my depressed state and started to enjoy my life once again and appreciating the things i have and the amazing people im surrounded by.

With that said last night we all decided to go to white castle really late at night. At first i was hesitant because i figured i would be no fun at all due to be having been depressed lately. But then i figured i should just make the best out of it and surround myself with my friends. Im glad i did because it was an amazing time. Although the food at white castle ended up disagreeing with everyone. We ended up getting back from there at 2:30 in the morning and so we decided to go back to brad's house to play take 2. It is pretty interesting the words you can come up with or try to come up with that early in the morning. We ended up playing this until 4 in the morning which was crazy insane but a blast. Then we decided to watch invader sim which an amazingly awesome cartoon for all of those who dont know. So overall i ended up not getting any sleep at all pretty much and am pretty exhausted.

Today hasn't been very much of a productive day because i have either been taking a nap, playing games on the computer, or playing take 2. But i think im going to try to accomplish some of my homework tonight and attempt to actually catch up to all of my homework....if not get ahead which would be amazing. Well i think that is it for now. But one last thing. I again want to say thank you for everyone who had been praying for me and was there to comfort, give advice, and even just listen to me. I cherish you guys more than you could possibly know.

Well hope everyone has an amazing night....I'm off to do my homework....or try to depending on whether or not i get distracted. God bless!

realization

ok to start off with i finally got xanga....for awhile people have kept telling that i should get it but i figured i already had facebook and myspace so i didn't really see why i should get xanga. but oh well i gave in and now i have it.

Well anyway so today was a pretty low key day considering last night was a very long night filled with lots of fun! Haven't played super nintendo in ages which was fun. I totally dominated in Super Mariokart!....streetfighter and mortal combat is a different story. Also at one point i was having a poking/tickling war with one of my friend's at where we were all hanging out at. Let's just say it wasn't pretty although very amusing and i ended up falling on the floor and hitting my head on the couch and needless to say i now have a bump on my forehead. But oh well it was still fun....and andy would say that i asked for it anyway.

So recently i just got off the phone with my sister. I was talking to here for awhile and giving her encouragement cause she has been down in the dumps more than usual lately and also causing agruements at home which isn't good due to the fact that my mom is really really sick as of lately. This has me really worried especially considering i can't be there for her right now. Well i was talking to my sister and said something along the lines of to just appreciate having them around and love them as much as she could and to just get along because she never knows when something will happen to either my mom or grandma (my mom,grandma,sister, and I when im there all live together). Then i told her that she should be lucky that she gets to spend time with them because i am not there and dont have the chance that she does. Then i started realizing that i wouldn't be there probably if something happened to them and would lose my last chance to be with them. It just hit me all of a sudden and i started to tear up but didn't want my sister to know i was upset. I guess i take my family for granted to much. I normally complain about how mean they are and how they are always putting me down and not supporting me in anything. But still although they do that they are my family and i need to appreciate them anyway. My friend told me the other day to just remember that i could have grown up with a worse childhood then i had which applies to this. Becuase i should appreciate what i do have. Well back to the point i really dont know what i would do if something happened to my mom or grandma and me not being there when it does, especially not being their for my sister. But overall in this situation i tend to take even my friends for granted thinking i will always have them around because going in or different ways in life or whatever it may be. So i really just need to start appreciating all the people around me that i love very dearly because i never know when my last memory with them will be.

Ok so that i guess is just a little portion of all the things that i have been thinking about as of lately which has caused me to become really depressed and worn down emotionally. I try to hang out with people as much as i can so i dont have to be by myself long enough to were i would start thinking of all the things swarming around in my head. So please whoever ends up reading this if you would just pray for me about being depressed and also about my mom's health that would be amazing!

Well now it's time to get back to my homework which i really need to get caught up with because of lately im starting to get behind. Hope everyone has had an amazing day and God bless everyone!